


No Sleep Here

by panther



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 18:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2516966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panther/pseuds/panther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry stares at the fire at night and gets angry. The hunt is going badly and not enough people are willing to fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Sleep Here

I never thought that any of this would be easy. I was sure that more people would die. I just had to keep telling myself that they chose to play the parts that they did. I can't save everyone. I would love to but I can't. I never chose to be Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. I spend ten years in a cupboard thinking I was worthless. I can't just move past that no matter what people want or need from me. I saw Dumbledore die and he left me a job so that is why I do it. I don't even know if I believe in prophecies really. Not after all that time in the Muggle World learning about choice and free will. I lived in the Cupboard Under the Stairs so I heard the shows my Aunt and Uncle watched. I learned more than people thought I did. Did things happen because they were always going to happen or did they happen because people reacted to being told that they would? 

 

Everyone was ready to give in like they did before, to lurk underground and hope, or at least the older generations were. I wasn't. My parents didn't die for that. I don't have a scar on my forehead for that. I didn't face him down and go through everything I did for _that_. Besides there was no way he was going to leave me to live. Whether he knew the prophecy or not he failed to kill me and that is enough. There was only one place to go and it was the wild. I never expected Hermione and Ron to come with me. I never asked them to. I never hoped. When Ron left I was hurt but still, _I never asked him to_. It is hard to keep telling myself that but somehow easier at night. Most people struggle at night. I was wide awake. To be sitting by firelight with someone else's wand is a humbling experience. I was never sure it would do what I wanted. I never totally mastered silent casting. Hermione's wand felt strange. It was too big, too different, too unfamiliar. Every time I was on watch I felt I was going to get us both killed. 

People had put their lives in my hands and I didn't even have my wand in my palm. Ron was right in some ways. It was taking us a long time to find the answers, too long when Voldemort had the school and everything else. That didn't mean I could do anything! That didn't mean I had the answers! Dumbledore didn't tell me where he thought they were. He didn't tell me who to talk to. He didn't tell me how to fight Death Eaters and survive never mind Voldemort. It is hard to look back and say that Albus Dumbledore was a fool but he was. He didn't do enough. He was cocky. He thought he would live long enough to teach me and when he knew he wouldn't he panicked. Albus should have taught me more, told me more, left me _more_. In fact, he should have told many people more. Minerva McGonagall never knew enough and looking back I think she could have done a whole lot of good if he had just trusted her. 

 

Instead, sitting by the fires as Hermione sleeps, I realise that Albus Dumbledore led me into traps. I have a lot of time on my hands with Hermione's wand and my thoughts. Three first year students should never been able to get to that damn stone. None of the protections were ever going to stop a fully trained Wizard or Witch. Then, just how many creatures are going around able to petrify people? Why did they never work it out? _Hermione_ worked it out. Why did the Ministry never send creature experts or Aurors or, well, anything? Utterly ridiculous. Then there was the way he allowed known Death Eaters to roam the school thinking it was ok because they were his little pawns. He knew more than I did but still, talk about putting students under your care in danger. He left so many unopened doors. He left too many unanswered questions. 

Every night Hermione sleeps and I stare at the fire. I can't relax knowing the wand in my hand is Hermione's and not my own. Deer pass the wards and I watch each and every one of them until they flee. I think Hermione is conflicted. She doesn't want to hurt them and yet she doesn't want to give the herd any idea that we are here. If they gravitate around us it will be easier for the Death Eaters to pick up on something. We may have to kill them. More death. More innocent victims of war. We don't know where to go next. We don't know what we are even looking for. Even if I can make Voldemort mortal I don't know how to defeat him in a duel. I have not even passed my NEWTS. I can't cast silently yet. I was never a top student. Tom Riddle was a damn boy genius. If only others would stand up and fight instead of cowering in fear. Voldemort can't get to every home! There are enough people to take out his Death Eaters if only they could gather the courage to try. They can't all be as good as Bellatrix.

4am is a good time for odd things to occur to people. I can't believe people are naive enough to think Voldemort will be satisfied with just magical Britain under his thumb. So where is the help from France and Bulgaria and all the other nations out there? Where are the Aurors and the Politicians when we need them? Where is the offer to take in refugees of Muggleborns and Half-Bloods being hunted down? I thought that damn tournament was about improving international relations. I feel pretty damn alone here that is for sure. Sometimes I can't believe I'm fighting for these sheep. 

"Harry? You were supposed to wake me hours ago."

I turn the unfamiliar wand in my palms before getting to my feet. "At least one of us should be able to get some sleep."


End file.
